Australian Humour

Have you read this one before? Its really funny.

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism
Website and obviously the answers came from an Aussie with a sense of humour.

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop
out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

22. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Lari bugil... :)

Beny lagi asik bergumul sore-sore dengan selingkuhannya. Ketika tiba-tiba si cewek bilang, "Gawat... suamiku pulang tuh. Buruan deh kamu kabur lewat jendela..!" dengan panik Beny menyambar baju, celana dan sepatunya, dan kabur lewat jendela.

Di luar ternyata hujan. Takut ketahuan, Beny lari tanpa sempat pakai baju. Tidak jauh dari rumah si cewek pas kebetulan lewat rombongan pelari marathon. Beny buru-buru membaur ditengah rombongan pelari, biar gak keliatan lagi sama suami si cewek tadi.

Beberapa pelari di sekitar Beny heran ngeliat Beny lari bugil sambil pegang baju. Salah seorang bertanya, "Ngapain kamu lari bugil...?" Beny jawab sekenanya,

"Mmmm... aku demen yang back to nature.. biar menyatu dengan alam..."

Yang lain nanya lagi, "Sering lari bugil kayak gini?" makin bingung Beny cari alesan. "Nngg.. kadang-kadang aja... kalau sore-sore.. biar gak kepanasan..."

Pelari yang lain nimpalin...

"sering lari bugil dengan kondom terpasang gitu?"

Dengan tersipu Beny jawab sedapetnya... "Mmm... kalau pas hujan aja sih... biar terlindung..."

Selingkuh Merugikan Orang Lain... :)

Pada suatu hari di neraka ada tiga orang pria yang menarik perhatian malaikat. Pria pertama memakai baju yang rapi dan berjas serta dasi. Pria kedua hanya memakai celana pendek dan pria terakhir telanjang bulat.

Malaikat: "Kamu kenapa, sih, kok bisa ada di sini? Mana bajumu rapi lagi?!"

Pria pertama: "Gini lho Om, tadi aku kan pulang kantor agak pagian. Terus sampe di apartemenku aku melihat istriku telanjang dan berkeringat di atas ranjang. Aku yakin dia pasti menyeleweng dengan pria lain! Lalu aku cari siapa pria yang kurang ajar itu di seluruh ruangan yang ada. Lalu aku melihat ada pria bercelana pendek sedang bergelantungan di balkon apartemenku. Aku langsung mengambil lemari lalu kulemparkan ke pria itu. Eh.... sialnya aku ikut jatuh terbawa lemari yang tadi kulemparkan"

Malaikat: "Oooo, tragis benar nasibmu! Lha, kalo kamu? Bagaimana kisahmu kok bisa sampai di sini sih?"

Pria kedua: "Aku bingung Om, soalnya tadi aku kan lagi olahraga pull-up di balkon apartemenku, terus aku tiba-tiba kepleset en jatoh. Untungnya aku masih sempat pegangan sama balkon apartemen yang ada di bawah balkonku. Waktu aku lagi bergelantungan mau mencoba naik lagi tiba-tiba ada seorang pria gila yang datang sambil marah-marah dan memaki-maki aku. Lalu dia membawa lemari besar dan dilemparkan ke aku. Aku ya jatoh Om, terus ya sampe di sini ini sekarang"

Malaikat: "Aduh, tragis benar nasibmu! Nah, kalo kamu? Kamu kok bisa telanjang bulat sih?"

Pria ketiga: "Waduh Om, kalo saya sih gak tau apa-apa neh. Tadi saya lagi enak-enak nyeleweng sama istri orang. Eh, tiba-tiba suaminya pulang pagi! Ya saya langsung bersembunyi di dalam lemari. Eh, tau-taunya saya sudah sampe di sini!!!!"

Ayam dan sapi jablay... :)

Ayam : Pi,gw benci banget sm manusia
Sapi : Mang kenapa Yam?
Ayam: Masa gw baru makan beras sedikit aja udah diusir,ditendang....Padahal mereka ampir tiap hari makan telor dan daging gw,sebel,benci,kesel,marah banget gw jadinya ama mereka
Sapi: Mang loe doang yg benci,gw mah lebih dari itu........
Ayam:Mang loe kenapa Pi?
Sapi : bayangin!!....loe taukan ampir tiap hari susu gw dipencet2,diremas2 dan di elus2,tapi ga pernah gw dinikahin...sakitttttttttttttttttt bathin gw Yam,mang dia pikir gw jablay apa.......!!!!!!!!